Not Your Fault

If there is only one thing you take away from reading this blog, take away this: it’s not your fault. Mamma, whatever you are going through, it’s not your fault. If you deal with chronic illness, it’s not your fault. If your child is on the spectrum, it’s not your fault. If your spouse left you on your own to raise your kids, it’s not your fault. If you’ve suffered a miscarriage, it is definitely not your fault.

There are obviously areas that we all want to improve, areas we each need to grow and change and develop. I’m not talking about those things. I am speaking to the terribly awful guilty feeling that you can’t seem to shake. It’s too big. It’s too terrible. Somehow you believe you are the cause.

Stop. Right. Now.

It’s not your fault.

As moms we take on the weight of literally everything. For nine months we carry these babies inside of us, adding actual weigh to our frames. Those who adopt and foster carry other weights, other heaviness. Then we literally carry these children, holding them when they are too tiny to get around any other way. When they get older, we carry them on piggy back rides, we carry them after they’ve scraped their knees, we carry them up to bed. We actually carry them so much that it’s quite natural to carry other things—like guilt and shame—that we should never carry.

For years I’ve been hiding in the shadows of guilty and wearing fault on the inside like a secret undergarment that, if I would take it off, I’d be exposed and naked in shame. My guilt wasn’t related to breast or bottle feeding, bedtime arrangements, or food choices. My burden, the albatross around my neck, was my child’s struggle with reading.

I would tune out the guilt—the weight—as it was so heavy, it would be unbearable. When it would come up in my mind, oh it would tear me apart. While other moms talked about reading levels and writing assignments and achievement tests, all I wanted to do was hide. My child struggles terribly with reading. And we homeschool. How do I discuss this? Is this problem really my fault? Did I cause this? If he sat in a regular classroom from the beginning, would it be different?

The fact is, he is dyslexic. If he had attended regular school for his education, he’d still be dyslexic. Sitting in a classroom would not have rewired his brain in such as way as to make him a “normal” learner. Ever. And, his reading struggles are not my fault. I realize this now, but for years I had listened to the enemy’s voice that somehow convinced me this whole thing was my fault and that I couldn’t talk about it because who would really understand anyway? And so the silence continued. And so the shame grew. And so the darkness was.

The silver lining in my story is that since I’ve come out of the shadows and not been afraid to ask questions, speak up, and be an advocate for my son, we’ve found a wonderful dyslexia tutor who is giving him the skills his brain needs to decode language. Since the tutoring began, I have been able to talk to more people about dyslexia and homeschooling without needing to hide anything. Without needing to apologize, or even tear up. I’m not hiding anymore because I realize that the way he learns is not my fault; it’s just the way he learns. I finally feel like I can actually breathe.

I believe there is an enemy at work against us. His voice is the secret whisper behind all of the guilt, all of the burden, all of the shame. He tries to keep our lives hidden in shadows, tries to keep us from getting the help that we need. He tries to keep us alone. But there is One who says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Listen to this voice. Don’t be afraid to stand in the light and come out of shadows. Don’t be afraid to let go of guilt and shame. Remember: It is not your fault.

A note about dyslexia: While there are a wide range of benefits and advantages to being dyslexic, the reading and/or writing struggle is very real. For more information about dyslexia, I highly recommend the book: The Dyslexic Advantage by Brock L. Eide M.D. M.A. and Fernette F. Eide M.D.

dyslexia, featured, guilt, homeschool, parenting, reading, school, shame

7 Mountains

Clarity of Vision Impacts Destiny – See John 19

by Jamison Collier

I opened the year, reflecting on 20/20 vision. My focus was on allowing God’s light to shine through physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual goals for 2020 and well into the next decade. Three months later, the coronavirus became a pandemic and ill omen for the foreseeable future. The global focus shifted from visionary goal-setting to the collective health and well-being of our bodies, minds, and souls.

In my prayer time, I considered whether I was viewing life through yet another convenient, popular cliche and catchphrase. Advertisers had seized the moment and used Vision 2020 on billboards and in commercials to capture the interest and pockets of consumers. Was what I heard in moments of prayer and reflection, not a divine revelation for practical manifestation?

My 20/20 reflection on the determinants of sight that contribute to vision clarity is just as relevant now. Peripheral awareness helps us to see the essential workers on the margins of health care. Eye-hand coordination is needed to wash our hands, to avoid touching our face, and to wipe down surfaces. Depth perception allows us to keep a safe distance of 6 feet when out in public. Focusing ability helps balance social distancing, sheltering in place, working from home, caring for loved ones, and homeschooling children. Color vision reveals the disproportionate impact the coronavirus has on people of color.

I’ve learned that a virus is non-living. It can only exist and multiply within living host cells. The red wreaths pictured in some of the 3-D images of the coronavirus are called “corona.” These red wreath corona proteins attack healthy human cells, spread the viral infection throughout the body, and cause respiratory illness. The latest version of the coronavirus goes by many names. Popular culture has deemed it “that Rona.” Scientists refer to it as SARS-Cov-2. COVID-19 is the disease it causes. COVID-19 is an acronym: CO (corona) VI (virus) D (disease) 19 (2019).

In March, I saw the acronym Clarity of Vision Impacts Destiny see John 19 (COVID-19) as clearly as it appeared to me to reflect on Vision 20/20. The 19th chapter of John’s Gospel opens with Jesus under attack. The motley crew of Roman soldiers, officers, and temple police had arrested Jesus on trumped-up charges. After an extensive period of cross-examination, Pilate, the Roman governor of Judea, found no justification for punishing Jesus. But, each time Pilate offered to release Jesus, the crowd’s chant to “Crucify him” spread like a viral infection.

With no vaccine to regulate the contagion, Pilate eventually complies and releases Jesus to the soldiers to have him viciously beaten, scourged, and crucified. The Roman soldiers, officers, and temple police demonstrated a total and complete disregard for Jesus’ body, mind, and soul. This disregard for humanity by people in power has persisted from the 1st to the 21st century. The abuse of power and belief that one race is superior to another are symptoms of a virus. We have borne witness to the viral dehumanization of Black bodies for 400 years and, most recently, in the murders of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and Breonna Taylor.

Symptoms, though, are not the disease. They are signs and manifestations of the condition’s presence. The disease is racism, and the virus is sin. Racism, America’s original sin, is just as complex as the latest strand of the coronavirus. Prejudice and discrimination based on one group’s false sense of superior status is just as contagious and spreads just as quickly between symptomatic and asymptomatic carriers. And, similarly with still no curable vaccine in sight.

The term “corona” means garland or wreath in both Latin and Greek, the official languages of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, distinguished individuals received coronas in recognition of exceptional service. The Roman soldiers “wove a crown of thorns” to press into the head of the highly acclaimed King of the Jews. From the beginning of John’s Gospel, the message is clear: Jesus’s kingdom is not of this world. This world was the final destination for the fulfillment and culmination of God’s reign of both heaven and earth. With “the glory as of a father’s only son,” Jesus demonstrated the impact of a clear vision on one’s destiny.

Jesus, carrying the cross on his shoulders, knew his destination was neither Golgotha, the place of his crucifixion, nor the garden, the site of his burial. Instead, it was back to his eternal throne, seated at the right hand of God. Through his life and work, Jesus demonstrated how challenges, hardships, and setbacks are stages of the journey en route to his destination. Further, he revealed the depths of his commitment to his goal, the culmination of God’s kingdom through the restoration of all creation.

Clarity of vision helps us to see God. In the NT, the concept of destiny speaks to an order of operations determined by God’s intent to put things in order. Destiny is God’s appointed decree of what is and what is to come. In God, our destination is not a place. Instead, it is a state of being in a relationship with God, our selves, and our neighbors. Surviving and even thriving through the challenges, hardships, and setbacks of COVID-19, police brutality, and systemic racism will require a focus on God, self, and neighbor.

In the middle of John 19, the focus turns to the crucifixion of Jesus. The placard on Jesus’ cross read “Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews” in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek. The inscription on George Floyd’s memorial is in two phrases, “Say Our Names” and “I Can Breathe Now.” The muralist reminds us of those who met a similar fate while transforming a common refrain and plea for help.

Among George Floyd’s final recorded words was a declaration, a plea for help: “I can’t breathe.” Floyd’s lament echoed the voice of Eric Garner, who made the same plea, “I can’t breathe,” while in a police officer’s chokehold. Among Jesus’s final words in John 19, we hear a vision for a vaccine. Love your neighbor: “Woman, here is your son.” Then he said to the disciple, “Here is your mother” (John 19.27). Love your self: “I am thirsty” (John 19.28). Love your God: “It is finished” (John 19.20).

This love-ethic is at the heart of Jesus’s message and teachings to his disciples: “I give you a new commandment that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another” (John 13.33-35).

Howard Thurman wrote of “destiny dealing decisions” in describing how life presents us with opportunities to decide on a course of action without complete knowledge of the facts nor of the impact of our decisions. In reflecting on the effect of Jesus’s destiny, Thurman wrote: “it has taken more than a thousand years to determine whether the death of the Son of Man on a cross outside the city wall was a mistake. It was madness, but with that madness, Jesus discovered a new world.”

The good news of the gospel is that Jesus, the one brandished with a crown of thorns, crucified, and buried, is the Christ. This same Jesus is the resurrected Savior, and God of the oppressed now wearing an eternal crown and robed with “salvation and glory and power” (Revelations 19.1). As the late theologian, James Cone wrote, “the gospel of Jesus is not a rational concept to be explained in a theory of salvation, but a story about God’s presence in Jesus’s solidarity with the oppressed, which led to his death on the cross. What is redemptive is the faith that God snatches victory out of defeat, life out of death, and hope out of despair.”

Clarity of vision will get us to the other side of COVID-19 and this stage of police brutality and social unrest with a renewed sense of humanity’s connectedness. Christ-followers and God-fearers of every nation, creed, tongue, ethnicity, and race carry the burden of reconciliation. To engage in this ministry is to bear the cross of protesting, sitting, standing, and marching in solidarity with the oppressed. In Jesus, the God of the oppressed had a clear and decisive impact on humanity’s understanding of its individual and collective identity, purpose, and destiny.

lifeseek.org

preparing a power generation

Navigation

Not Your Fault

7 Mountains

Clarity of Vision Impacts Destiny – See John 19

Related News